Editor’s note: The following article mentions suicidal thoughts. If you are feeling suicidal, then please contact a mental health professional or your local 911.
Oh, how I wish my skin was like the outer layer of an Armadillo. Then I could shield myself from all that the world puts out there.
I recently told someone thank you for allowing me back in. The person replied, “You never went anywhere.”
How strange is it that I throw all my attention on trying to get a grip on my own life, then I feel so far away from people & where I want to be? Yet they never have seen me as missing or gone.
To me it's been like a time lapse, where my mind was grabbing on to every insecurity, every trust issue, every abandonment issue. Every scared moment seemed like six months. Trust me when I say life is a fighting battle.
My diagnosis says that people who have Borderline Personality Disorder feel things very, very intensely compared to others. That is the truth. Every day I am battling my way through thoughts, idolization, phobias, it's a constant battle. Don't get me wrong, I love a lot of things about my diagnosis.
Like the fact I can see a lot that others may not see in a moment. Survival teaches you to look out for things others don't look out for. I am very creative (not too good at it, I do enjoy it.) I love nature, I love my Spirituality, how intense the feeling of love for someone is.
However, there is a lot to my diagnosis I don't like, such as: that I see things that others may not see, the fact that just as intensely as I feel love, I can feel doom just as intensely, suicidal thoughts.
I feel many times like my heart is being broken. I repeat many of my episodes, so it is very tiring for even our mental health counselors. Many times they have to repeat things with me over & over, making it sound like I cannot hear you. I hear you, it's just my brain is like a transmission slipping.
I am learning more & more. However, I am realizing I am always going to run into triggers. So feeling like I have armadillo skin would be a super power for me.
Go out in the world with a smile & a kind heart to all, for you never know who is going through something or what they are going through.