Photo and text by M.
Early to this, early for that.
I mentioned in one of my other stories about how time is so very important to me. My counselor asked me, why is time such a Big Deal for me?
As I sat with her, the question continued over & over again in my mind. I couldn’t think of one reason other than that’s the way my family has always been.
Okay, right there is the first problem. It's my family, that's not who I am.
We sometimes take on our families as that’s who we are. Yes, that is a part of who we are, but that is not who we are, we get to choose who we are.
Most times, I arrive early just so I can leave early. I am not a person who likes large groups of people. When you go early to a place, it gives you more one-on-one time with people.
After that, people usually arrive a little late, closing everything down afterwards, so for me I would rather go when there aren’t as many people. There is too much at the end to deal with, like goodbyes and gathering your stuff. Oh, & that one question that I had to ask to get a three-hour answer that doesn't happen as much as it does at the end of an event, lol.
Okay, so why else am I hung up on time?
My time affects everything: cooking, cleaning, going to Doctors, counseling, you name it. I wonder if it’s more about not giving myself time to be idle. My mind is so fast as it is (drinking my coffee does not help lol) & I don't like large groups of people, nor do I like to mask in front of large groups or for that long of a time either.
Knowing these things about myself helps me to frame out my life in a certain way so that I can continue living my life without people noticing my issues (at least I thought lol). Just cleaning the cat litter, my mind went from, oh my gosh what was that last conversation between myself & another person, were they trying to tell me something or the last time I saw this person, they looked at me oddly?
I kept trying to keep my mind on what I was doing, talking myself out of thinking this then thinking something of an ever-bigger catastrophe, or oh my gosh, I only have two hours to prepare dinner. I want to make sure I get it all done, at the same time, leaving things cold, overcooked, undercooked, for all I was making were hotdogs & macaroni and cheese.
My mind gets so far ahead of me, it's hard to pull myself back in. Most people go a b c d and back to a. Not me, not me even close. I go a h o d z and then I go 15 2 6 3 9 lol. Not sure if that makes sense.
I do everything in my life like that, from mowing the lawn, landscaping, planning my garden, planting my garden. Oh wowzer, I check to make sure I locked my door three to five times before ever actually leaving lol. Maybe it's because I haven't practiced controlling my mind.
I am becoming more & more aware of things about myself, helping me to start building the right mind frame. I didn't want to work on all my issues when I was younger. I was so afraid to feel the things I once felt, now I wish I would have worked on it when I was a child.
Knowing the things I know now from working on my issues would or could be such an advantage in living my everyday life. I am working on my boundaries and my acceptance for who my Father created me to be: the person that I am, so that I may learn to live a free & full life of love.
What does time mean for you?